Film Review: Dark Shadows (no spoilers)
Dark Shadows: A Personal Story (This isn’t really part of my review, so you can skip down if you want to get to the actual review)
In 1991, Dan Curtis brought the legendary Gothic soap opera Dark Shadows (1966-1971)back to television as a big budget weekly prime-time series. The 1991 revival series starred Ben Cross as Barnabas Collins, and unlike the original series, it had a substantial budget and none of the demands of producing a daily soap opera. While much of the strange and undefinable magic of the over-the-top original daytime series was replaced with primetime sophistication, heightened sexuality, and lots of 90s gelled hairdos, Dan Curtis was able to maintain the beautifully tragic Gothic romance that was always at the heart of Dark Shadows. Even with a loyal fan base, the show only lasted one season due to frequent Iraq War news interruptions and management changes at NBC. Of course, NBC later admitted that canceling the show was a mistake.
In 1991, I was nine years old and completely obsessed with the new version of Dark Shadows. I think I experienced my first real case of heartbreak when I learned that show would not return. At the same time, I was also obsessed with Tim Burton’s Ed Wood, starring Johnny Depp. I came up with a brilliant idea: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should do a Dark Shadows movie! Somehow, I obtained a mailing address for NBC headquarters. I subscribed Dark Shadows newsletter called Shadowgram, and they were urging fans to write to NBC to save the show. That must have been how I got the address to NBC. I went as far as obtaining signatures from my peers and teachers at school to petition for the return of Dark Shadows. Along with my petition, I sent NBC a very serious letter suggesting that if they were unable to revive the show, they should make a Dark Shadows movie with Tim Burton as director and Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins. As I got a bit older, I cringed at how lame it was to petition for the return of a canceled TV show. And what the hell did NBC have to do with making movies with Tim Burton and Johnny Depp? And why should they listen to me? Well, at least I was an ambitious nine-year-old! And it turns out that I was on to something. My crazy dream has come true twenty-one years later. Burton & Depp have made a Dark Shadows film!
Dark Shadows (2012): My Review
Let me start out with the BAD:
1. Dark Shadows is just not meant to be a movie. Even Dan Curtis’ own attempts at Dark Shadows films, House of Dark Shadows and Night of Dark Shadows (both of which are nowhere near as good as Burton’s film)are unmemorable, watered down versions of the television show. Sure, the production values were much more substantial and the actors actually had the luxury of multiple takes, but the unexplainable magic of the television series was lost. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have made a valiant effort to capture the uncanny appeal of Dark Shadows, but I am sad to say that they failed. But it’s not their fault, and this particular failure is a truly beautiful failure with many moments of brilliance, such as Victoria’s arrival in Collinwood as “Nights In White Satin” plays. And Caroline’s sexy dance to Donovan’s “Season Of The Witch.” Nearly all of Johnny Depp and Eva Green’s on-screen moments. But a two hour long film is simply far too compressed for the completely unique dimension that is Dark Shadows. With an endless stream of characters, plot lines, and subtle moods, Dark Shadows needs to move at its own slow pace over a very long period of time. All of the performances are great, but we never get to explore Victoria’s past or see her intimately involved with Barnabas. We do not get a chance to understand David’s troubled mind. We know absolutely nothing about Roger. These characters offer substantial intrigue, but it is never explored and fleshed out. The film, simply by virtue of being a film, is too compressed.
2. Then there is the ending. There was a large explosion, fire, some ridiculous Matrix-style fighting that we see far too often these days, and the introduction of a werewolf that came out of absolutely nowhere! Storytelling has never been Burton’s forte, and endings are often very difficult, but it’s really hard to make apologies for this film’s final sequences.
The real shame here is that this film is not a TV pilot, because it would make for one of the greatest TV pilots ever! If Burton, Depp, and the others would have channeled their efforts into an ongoing TV series, the many brilliant aspects of the film could have the opportunity to flourish!
OK, so now on to the GOOD:
Based on the bad qualities I have highlighted, I probably give the impression that I hated the film. But, I did not! In fact, I really enjoyed it! I haven’t had as much fun in a movie theater in many years. I doubt that the film will remain in theaters very long or make a huge impact on audiences, but the truth is that it’s so much better than 99% of the other stuff out there. In fact, it’s a bit too good. And that is why it will probably fade away.
1. While the horrible promotional trailers for the film showcased the “humorous” aspects of the film and lead audiences to believe that the film was essentially a camp-fest littered with corny jokes and obnoxiously bad editing, I am pleased to report that the opposite is true! While there are certainly elements of black humor, they do not dominate the film, and they work much better in the context of the actual film than in the misleading trailers. In fact, the black humor that made me cringe in the trailers was actually one of the best elements of the film. As with most Burton films, the “humor” is done with a perfect balance of melancholy and deliciously strange perverseness that one can only describe as “Burtonesque.”
2. The romance is there. The theme of “love beyond time” is central to the storyline, even if it could have been fleshed out even more. Some have said that the romance between Barnabas and Victoria seems disingenuous, but in fairness, it is not a new love. Victoria is the reincarnation of Barnabas’ fiancee, Josette DuPres. But I do think that there should have been more romantic outings between Barnabas and Victoria.
3. By Tim Burton standards, this was not a special effects-heavy movie. The beautiful costumes and sets were just as important as the actors, and you could really feel the haunting spirit of the Collins mansion.
4. The sexual tension between Angelique and Barnabas is hot! They nailed it. Eva Green is the sexiest woman alive, and no one else could have played Angelique so perfectly. I have always thought that Angelique was Barnabas’ true love, but he was too proud of his status to accept a woman with such fiery sexuality and lowly status. His torment really came from the fact that he could not admit that he actually loved her. And the script got this essential point right.
5. Johnny Depp! His performance was perfect. He captured the essence of the character, and I am sure that the late Jonathan Frid would be proud. Frankly, Depp’s performance rivals the film as a whole.
Final Thought: While not a masterpiece, this is a very good film, and I have never seen anything like it. The casting is perfect, even if the characters didn’t get a fair chance to develop and shine. Burton has hinted at including deleted scenes that feature more from the secondary characters on the DVD/Blu-Ray release, and I hope that it turns out to be so. This film is not a replacement or really even a continuation of Dan Curtis’ Dark Shadows. This is a fun homage to the show that I recommend for fans as well as newbies. Ultimately, it makes me want to go back to the over-the-top, supremely flawed low-budget original and experience that strangely beautiful world of Dark Shadows in all of its magnificent glory. Fortunately, there are 1,225 episodes (not counting the 12 episodes of the 1991 series). And I’m still holding out hope for Burton & Co. to translate their own vision of Dark Shadows into yet another television series! It could be a really beautiful thing. Maybe in another twenty-one years? We’ll see. Until then, there’s always the dreadfully embarrassing True Blood. But we all know that Dark Shadows started it all.
Dark Shadows (2012): 4 out of 5 stars. See it!
-TLG
"Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them."
—Ray Bradbury (via roadmovies)
(Source: misswallflower, via roadmovies)
My Favorite Love/Romance Songs
1. “I Confess” by k.d. lang. This track from k.d. lang’s last album, Sing It Loud, has typically beautiful and explosive vocals, and an excellent buildup. It’s an epic confession of romantic love and one of her best singles. I was fortunate enough to experience this live as the opener of a show on her last tour, which was amazing, needless to say!
2. “Lover” by Roxy Music. This little-known gem by Roxy Music was only ever released on the Miami Vice 2 soundtrack! Shame, because it’s one of the best songs from their later period.
3. “More Than This” by Roxy Music. Some say this is the ultimate make-out song! Well, whatever. It’s a beautiful song.
4. “Unchained Melody” by Elvis Presley. This is such a great song. I love every version I’ve heard. The Righteous Brothers, Jimmy Scott, U2… but this version by Elvis, from his final record, Moody Blue, is my favorite.
5. ”Love Letters” by Ketty Lester. This beautiful song is featured in David Lynch’s Blue Velvet.
6. “Happy Lovers At last United” by Morrissey. This is not a traditional love song. It is a clever song about bringing two lovers together and being forgotten and left behind once the two lovers are reunited. Leave it to Morrissey! This beautifully sung outtake could and should have been a hit single!
7. ”Valentine’s Day” by Klaus Nomi. This is what Valentine’s Day sounds like on some beautiful, strange planet.
8. “Heavenly Arms” by El Perro del Mar. This beautiful cover of Lou Reed’s “Heavenly Arms” is easily the best Lou Reed cover I’ve ever heard.
9. “As The World Falls Down” by David Bowie. Bowie has few straightforward love songs, but they are all great. This song from the Labyrinth soundtrack is no exception.
10. “Woman” by John Lennon. Simple & beautiful.
11. “Love Of My Life” by Queen. Freddie Mercury was an amazing and powerful singer. His passion really shows here. It’s hard to not cry.
12. “Mysteries Of Love” by Julee Cruise. There is nothing I can say, really. This is pure beauty and love in the form of song. Also from Blue Velvet, with lyrics by David Lynch and music by the great Angelo Badalamenti.
Spanking
I was eating at a local restaurant last week when a news report about the negative impact of spanking was televised. I noticed that most of the patrons responded in a sardonic and dismissive manner, proudly proclaiming, “I was beat as a child! I survived it!” Well, good for them! They survived it! But does spanking or any other type of mindless violence ever teach a lesson other than violence? It is quite clear that violence only breeds violence.
Of course, everyone thinks that he or she is an expert and quickly dismisses anything based on scientific research. Especially when the subject makes them uncomfortable. This is America, after all! The Land of Hypocrisy! But let’s foolishly put the countless scientific studies on the negative impact of spanking and other forms of physical abuse aside for a moment. Let’s look at this from a common sense perspective: What “lesson” or message does spanking and other forms of abuse provide?
1. It is completely hypocritical and counter-productive, as it subverts the authority of the abuser! By using violence to try to convey a point, you are basically giving up on all of the reasonable, intelligent, and peaceful methods of problem-solving. Abuse, be it physical or mental, is a lazy excuse for teaching a “lesson.”
2. When it comes to spanking in particular, one must keep in mind that the buttocks and anus are directly linked to the sexual response system. So, in theory, you could very well be engaging in a form of sexual abuse and forced sexual intercourse when you choose to spank your child! I’m sure you’ve never thought of this, but consider, for a moment, sexual spanking in adult play. Why would you do this to a child? It is utterly disgusting!
3. By commanding authority by use of violence and fear, you do not teach or show love. Love is transmitted through loving. What is loving about taking out your aggression on someone else? Especially your own kin! Your children will have plenty of opportunities to be hurt by others, so why introduce this kind of sickness in your own family? I see nothing wholesome about that.
So, do yourself a favor and your children, whom you supposedly love, a big favor. Do not spank. Do not hit. You’d never get away with treating another adult like that. Choose intelligence and reason. Put your sado-masochistic sickness aside for a moment and think.
-TLG
Anonymous asked: This is a response to your "lack of a men's movement" comment. The reason there hasn't been a "men's movement" is because patriarchy rules the damn world. How the hell does an oppressor have a movement for empowerment? Ponder that question. I agree men face stereotypes that hinder their mental well-being BUT it doesn't compare to being a women in a cis-male dominated society. Anyone who argues otherwise is incredibly ignorant about sexism and out of touch with the world around them.
I think you are confusing a movement for “empowerment” in terms of more rights or equal rights with one of social change in which that very notion of patriarchal authority must be usurped. The overwhelming push for men to conform to “maleness” as a concept imbued with machismo is very detrimental. That type of overpowering patriarchal authority is a detriment to men AND women.
It is also dangerous and false to assume that simply being born a man delegates any kind of real power or authority to you. That power is very much consolidated, and in many cases, oppressive to men, because it assumes that they are fully equipped to tackle the world with emotional well-being and autonomy, which is often not the case. As a young white male, I’ve yet to reap any of the so-called rewards of this assumed authority! So many men do not want to be lumped into this testosterone-driven world of authority, be it social or political.
The excellent quote that I provided does not call for empowerment in the way that I think you are perceiving it. Rather, it calls for a change of notion as to what constitutes being a man. More in terms of social behavior and perception than political power.
-TLG
Pittsburgh: The “In” City of 2012?
I really doubt it, but that’s what this article is claiming. Here are my thoughts on the city.
What do you think?
-TLG
Anonymous asked: Dear TLG, When going from missionary to woman-on-top, do most people maneuver the switch while keeping the guy's penis inside? Whenever I try it, my guy pops out. Thanks, Iesha
Dear Iesha,
I wouldn’t know how this works for most people, and I can’t imagine that this has ever been researched on the clinical level, but I really don’t think it’s a problem. Do you? If so, maybe just slow things down a bit. What’s the rush? Slow and steady usually makes for a more explosive orgasm. But, withdrawing for a while can make it last longer. So I see no problem here.
-TLG
Great Capricorns - Happy Birthday, Bowie & Elvis!
Today, I am sending out happy birthday wishes to David Bowie. He turns 65 today. Today is also Elvis Presley’s birthday. He would have been 77. Both have changed the world for the better, and I’ll be thinking a lot about them today. The 10th is my sister’s birthday. The 12th is the great Howard Stern’s birthday. I like Capricorns!
On a side note, Bowie’s contract with EMI expires this month. I’m hoping that this will see the release of lots of old material we’v been waiting for, and more importantly, the first new music from Bowie in nearly ten years!
-TLG